[Post I wrote yesterday on the 7th which I'm only posting now not because I feel completely comfortable with it but if I didn't there'd be no post today. Whoop.]
Bad, panic-y, anxiety-filled day. I had a mild anxiety attack today at rehearsal. I know a lot of people suffer from bad panic attacks and I'm very fortunate that mine are more minuscule and can be controlled with fresh air and breathing, but they're still hella scary.
I'm in a production of The Secret Garden and today we worked on the largest dance number in the show (there aren't many). It's not that the dance moves are hard. And it's not that I can't do them. It's just when everyone is around me and we're all doing different things and the music is swelling, I freak out. The song has a very tribal feel to it; half the cast is chanting in Hindu and we're all doing this vaguely African dance. And there's a moment where everyone just screams at the top of their lungs. It overwhelms me. It frightens me. I close up and I can't move but I have to get away.
The worst part is always when I'm standing in a corner, breathing heavily, and someone comes up and asks me what's wrong.
"I have a headache," I say.
"Oh, I'm sorry." And they stand there a while because they don't know what to say. Then they leave, and I started breathing again.
It's stupid, right? That I'm terrified of a song? But it happens every time. I know that if I explained to the director what was happening and asked to be pulled from the number, she'd let me. I don't want to force myself to do something that's unhealthy, but I also don't want to give up too easily. I just have to be braver (ugh I sound so ridiculous) and try harder.
THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT KTHANXBYE.