Monday, December 17, 2012

This Title Originally Featured a Bad Mall Pun

I hate shopping. I hate it. If shopping was had a face, I would punch it. If it had toes, I'd hope it would stub them on the corner of the counter. If shopping was a book, I would tear out all of its pages and set it afire, laughing manically in the blaze. And the glowing ember in the middle of the shopping fire, the small spark that keeps the flames burning, is the mall.

The agony begins immediately in the parking lot. Why are so many people always at the mall? If someone created a disintegration ray, they would make billions of dollars just from mall-goers who would use it on cars in parking lots.

Then, there's the smell. I don't know if I can say this for sure, but if your mall is anything like mine,  you know the smell I'm talking about. That horrible stench--a mixture of perfume, fast food, and sweat. Oh man, does my gag reflex get a kick out of that smell. Not to mention how much walking you have to do. Whose idea was it to put Macy's 4.3 miles away from JC Penny? It kills my ankles, and I'm always getting shoulder-bumped by what feels like every person apart of the earth's population on the way there. I think that malls would run so much more smoothly if, upon arrival, you were given a segway, and you could simply merge into lanes of other shoppers. Like one giant mall superhighway.

And may I take a moment to discuss the kiosk vendors? When I go to a mall, I expect being flagged down by kiosk vendors to be a part of my traditional mall experience. But I can't even have that these days! Now, as you walk down the... hallways? streets? ... as you walk down the walkways, all you ever see are kiosk vendors sitting on stools, playing with their smartphones! If I walked up and started perusing around their selection of phone cases, or hair straighteners, or whatever product I already bought from Walmart and don't need, I bet they still wouldn't peel their eyes away from what I'm sure is a very important game of Angry Birds.

But really, the worst thing about malls are the people. Maybe this is just my cynic talking, but people are horrible. Whenever I walk into one of those "hip" stores, like Forever 21 or Urban Outfitters, everyone just looks like they'd be really mean to me. I always feel like everyone is... glaring at me, like they're all silently judging me. I can't so much as ruffle through a rack of flannel shirts without feeling their thick-rimmed-glasses-stares piercing through the back of my neck. And when you leave the store because you aren't about to spend $30 on a t-shirt, I swear you can almost hear them rolling their eyes.

To put it shortly, the mall sucks. Buy your stuff online.

ABC Family's 25 Days of Christmas Feature: How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Christmas-tastic Thing of the Days: Let DailyGrace teach you how to decorate for the holidays.

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